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For 1 in 8 it is not so easy to fall pregnant they instead have to endure rounds of hormone stimulation, injections and so much more.
Cassie Silver is one of those 1 in 8 who is struggling to conceive naturally. While some go down the negative spiral of âWhy meâ and blaming lots on the universe she has chosen to put a positive spin on her experience and share hers plus many others journeys through her podcast: âWhat To Expect When Youâre Injectingâ.
I havenât created a human yet, but the journey has made me a better one. Â
âIâm grateful this is happening to meâ, are words I never thought I would say when it comes to reflecting on my journey so far in trying to conceive. Why would anyone want to go through the pain, grief and uncertainty that comes with IVF? Is it the need for attention as the woman putting her body and soul through so much? Or the quest for validation that I am working harder that other to become a mother? The truth is, I wouldnât change the cards I have been dealt because itâs the journey so far has completely changed my outlook on life. I had the fairy-tale picture in my mind when I married my best friend years ago and came off the pill. I started talking about baby names, character traits and even forecasted what horoscope they would be and aligned the moon and starts perfectly. Just like my type A personality, I had planned to fall pregnant after my 30th birthday, soon after our wedding. Fast forward a few years and weâve had multiple IVF and FET cycles without any success. So- in a nutshell. While we havenât made a human yet, itâs made me a better one.
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Living with PCOS, a high follicle count, the inability to ovulate, blocked tubes and my husbandâs poor sperm motility means IVF is our best chance to have a family. I have been no stranger to the world of swaps, smears and stirrups; suffering from abnormal cells and having many laparoscopy procedures since I was 18 years old. But, unlike any challenge or milestone I have faced in life, making a family is the only hurdle I have no control over and feel I am failing at. I have spent more than a decade working in the Australian mediaindustry as a television journalist, producer, presenter and now the owner of a successful production business. Â I am no stranger to the spotlight as a media identity in Perth and Iâve always made I my mission to life an authentic life. I have interviewed incredible individuals and travelled the world as a journalist, sharing their stories of success and struggle. While I have always been transparent, I never thought I would be sharing my own. If someone tells me I canât do something, I fight for it even harder; I am a high achiever, I mean we collected 29 eggs at our last collection!
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What started as a bruised ego is now a bruised belly, but Iwouldnât change the cards I have been dealt. This journey has already made me a better friend, daughter, sister, colleague and wife. Ultimately, this is going to make me a better mother. A mother with a deep understanding of the value of empathy and the awareness of other peopleâs shit instead of suffocating in my own. I have cried through the park on my runs and walks as I fly by prams and motherâs groups feeling alone and lost. But itâs been the ability to change my internal language patterns and recognise self-sabotaging behaviour thatâs made all the difference. Instead of wanting to run headfirst into prams and yell âF Uâ, I look at them and smile and say âthat will be me very soonâ. Yes, many strangers think I am a little creepy, but I am the only one who can control my emotions attached to infertility. I used to wish there was a different button to click other than âlikeâ as people posted their baby announcements on social media. Maybe a âjust a thumbs upâ emoji will suffice my level of happiness for this Facebook acquaintance. Once again, there exciting news shouldnât create a reaction of jealousy or anger, it should fuel hopefulness. I have run out of responses to comments like âeverything happens for a reasonâ or âmaybe a holiday will do you both some good.â For anyone who hasnât experienced infertility, sometimes silence is the best support. One thing Iâve learnt, is I may feel lonely- but I am not alone. Whether itâs an early miscarriage, unsuccessful implantation or the embryo didnât survive thawing, I have experienced the loss and grief which comes from all of them and Iâve learnt not to measure it.
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I have more patience for people in general and take time to listen to their problems instead of finding solutions. Someone wise once told me, âwhen youâre heard, you start to healâ and I truly believe in the magic behind the phrase. My marriage is stronger than it was when we decided to come off the pill and give natural conception a good crack. We both understand eachothers love language and appreciate what we have more than what we donât. We have had the Carrie and Big from Sex & The City chat about, âwill it just be us two?â and are we ok with that? I now have more honest and open conversations with my family instead of being a hero and projecting a persona of success. Going through IVF and running my own business has taught me the value of balance and priorities, I learnt how to say NO. My friendships have a focus on quality not quantity, a bit like my outlook now at egg collection. I have removed people from my life I probably wouldnât have had the guts to do a few years ago and created new connections instead. Not only has my rollercoaster ride through infertility been a chance to overcome a horrific fear of needles, but itâs also allowed me to evaluate how I see my own self-worth and esteem as a woman. I have gratitudeâs written on my bathroom wall which remind me every day that my body is doing incredible things, the process is incredible, I am worthy, and my journey is remarkable. There is nothing wrong with being your own cheerleader and it gives you a new meaning behind the word empathy too. Itâs redefined my definition of failure and allowed me to use my media skills in a completely new light as the host of new podcast âWhat ToExpect When Youâre Injectingâ. I wanted to marry my skills and struggle together by producing an authentic and uncensored podcast, âWhat To Expect When Youâre Injectingâ, a candid and personal discussion on IVF and infertility. This project is allowing me to turn pain into purpose and fill my life with contribution and connection. So, for those on the journey, try to find the silver lining in it; somewhere, somehow. IVF has made me a better person, and while many would never wish is upon anyone, this is the only time I can truly believe in the saying âeverything happens for a reasonâ, regardless of loss, heartache and pain. While some may say Iâll be able to translate the gratitude I have right now into motherhood; the truth is, I may never be a mother, so for now my greatest achievement is to be a good human regardless of if I make my own or not.
Check out @injecting_to_be_expecting
Written by @cassiesilver
What To Expect When Youâre Injecting is available on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.
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